Honey

I’m a long way from home this week, hanging out with a bunch of CF nerds (ok, I’m one too) in Washington, D.C. We’re in a ginormous convention center, impossible to describe. My coworkers, Barney and Joshua, are here too. We had a great time today playing a modified version of disc golf outside the curtained bounds of the common conference area.

I’ve had the most fun talking with other developers from all over the country (and beyond). I enjoy talking about technology and the web, what’s possible and what’s awesome. The primary topic of discussion, ColdFusion, is especially close to my heart.

I’m one of a few women in attendance. I’d estimate approximately 5% of the folks here at the conference are women. I even saw a big butch lezzie, identifiable by the familiar wide hips and spiky hair. Unfortunately, I think there is an unspoken law about speaking to each other, because she refused to even make eye contact. What’s up with that? Here we are, a couple of techie dykes in a sea of bald / long haired white man weirdos, and we can’t talk to each other? I guess it could be presumptuous of me to assume that we would actually have anything in common.

Although attendance is 95% men, and proudly logical men at that, there is a good sized helping of good old fashioned drama in almost every session and key note address. ColdFusion has a bastard step child, an elite set of name-droppers, and a throng of masses who seem to bend and sway with the community’s latest “cutting-edge” ideas.

I want to remain objective. Even though I’ve used (and loved) ColdFusion and other web technology for years, I struggle to feel like I belong here. As my queer friends dedicate their lives to a grueling life of social service, I spend most of my time with a mainstream population that may sometimes briefly reflect me in human and occupational mind only, but mainly makes me feel like an outsider. It’s confusing for me, especially when I long to grow exponentially as a programmer, but have limited resources to do so.

There’s something mysteriously cool about the quintessential woman who is a programmer (especially a hacker) but usually only when that woman meets our current social standards for what is deemed sexy. She’s straight, visually female, young, skinny, and hard to get. She reminds me of the typical straight man’s fantasy lesbian, someone who appears out of reach but will ultimately cave for a man’s attention.

Does it make any difference that I am not the gender or sexuality of the typical person in attendance at this conference? It seems it would matter less if I only proved my enthusiasm for any relevant discussion, and these outward, distracting expressions of my identity would just fade away. I would be perceived and treated like just another CF geek. The flaw in this idea is that I became tired of proving myself a long time ago.

As Barney explained on his blog, these conferences are made up of at least 2 dimensions: the sessions where I might learn a thing or 2, but more importantly, the chance to converse with like minds about technology we all use and usually admire. I enjoy seeing and talking with the people whose names are behind the blogs I read and the frameworks I use. Deep down, I know that I fit in as much as I think I do. As long as I separate myself through the eyes / perception of the unique aspects of my identity, I will continue to feel out of place and alone. As soon as I open my mind to these nerdy white guys (and realize that I am one of them), I will accept myself entirely and allow myself to recognize my place in this sometimes dysfunctional but mostly friendly ColdFusion community.

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