Honey

Ever since I can remember, I have wanted to be a performer. I had more than just a typical desire for attention - I longed to attract a certain kind of attention, the kind that inspires admiration and awe. A few short-lived periods dot my life story in which I successfully realized my fantasies, but these times passed, and insecurity and confusion tucked me under to await another opportunity.

My desire to perform has led me to spend a lot of time with the Internet. The Internet provides an opportunity to perform in a million different ways from behind the safety of my own computer. It also allows for complete control over such performances, since barely anything is in real time. I can write and rewrite this post a million times before offering it to the world to be witnessed and criticized appropriately.

Sometimes, I spend too much time with the Internet. Sometimes I start to feel as though I’m expecting too much of my identity to be validated by a complex network of opinion, an unreachable mass of constant change. I feel angry at myself for sinking too much weight into something that is intangible, resulting only in a smattering of memorable images of cute kittens, a vague recollection of the sexual habits of bonobos, and a general idea of how to be more productive in my day to day activities.

For some, the Internet has provided more than just information, but has also served to form and strengthen human relationships. This is a valuable byproduct of the Internet experience that I am yet to know first hand. It takes more effort than I can offer to maintain the amount of interaction necessary to keep up with massive amounts of personal information through endless numbers of social channels. All this social networking is making me dizzy. As someone whose identity is constantly in flux (what’s my name now?), I cannot be expected to maintain so many online identities! It’s a ridiculous expectation, really. I think the only answer is to purge myself from the Internet (as much as is possible) and also to spend a little less time paying attention to my online existence.

Do you ever get sick of the Internet? I can’t ever really get away, since this is where I work. I think maybe I need a vacation.