Honey

On Monday, Agent and I will be returning to San Francisco for a week on memory lane. Agent will be attending an Aikido seminar at her old dojo and I’ll be having lunch with old friends and also spending some time with myself, which is what I’ve been doing lately.

I thought it might be fun to revisit one of my very favorite cities as a tourist, and try to do and see as much as I can while I’m there. I’m not trying to stress out about it and do every little thing, and much of it is still so burned into my memory that it seems pointless. The idea is to find the things I missed when I lived there that are fun for someone just passing through.

Have you been to San Francisco? What did you do while you were there that you think is a must-have experience? So far, the only thing on my list that seems appealing is a day at the California Academy of Sciences, which was still being built when we lived in San Francisco. I imagine I will spend an entire day in Golden Gate Park. What else should I do?

Thank you so much everyone who gave such excellent advice about my bonsai. Turns out I have a Fukien Tea tree, one of the most difficult bonsai trees to maintain. According to people on the forums where I posted the same message I posted here, I probably over-watered her. When I replaced the soil, I did notice that it was very wet. Although I believe this may be the answer to the yellowing of her leaves, I’m surprised since I’ve been watering her the same amount for the last 3 years (except over the last winter). But things change, and I’m just going to go with it.

After posting here, I took her to the bonsai place that is a funny little house off Barbur Blvd near Tigard. I pass it when I ride the long way home and have always been curious about it, because it barely looks open and it’s tucked down in a little valley between Barbur and the freeway. I walked in through the back gate (where the sign said to enter) and into the basement of the house. There were hundreds of bonsai trees, large and small, outside as well as in the basement area. There was a fine layer of dirt on everything. The register looked like it had been sitting in the same place since 1984.

The place was empty so I called up the stairs for some assistance. I was holding my bonsai in my arms, feeling like I was in an emergency room and a doctor was going to rush out to help me. Instead, a little Japanese man in a leather apron came hopping down the stairs. He spoke very fast and had one milky eye. I tried hard to communicate everything that had brought me up to this moment when I needed his expert advice, but I don’t think he understood what I was saying and I didn’t really understand what he was saying either. He pretty much told me that I wasn’t watering my bonsai enough and that it would be fine. And also, to bring it back from the window a little bit in the winter. He talked a lot, but that’s pretty much all he said.

I was sad to leave that place. I wanted to hang out and stare at all the bonsai trees and talk to the little old man with the milky eye. I’m thinking maybe the next time I ride by this place, I’ll pop in to see him.

Against some advice (and with others), I moved my bonsai tree to work. All my other plants are so happy with the light that I figure it could be an excellent change for my little tree. Also, I’ll be able to keep more of an eye on her here and possibly save her from dying.

I’ve set up a webcam to take a picture of her everyday. This way, I may be able to see if things are changing for the better or worse over time. Here’s the first shot.

My thoughts are a jumble, a million droplets of useless activity swirling around in my head. It’s been this way ever since I stopped listening to the radio, or reading, or listening to music. I’m trying to just be with myself and I swear it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, besides quitting cigarettes and drinking. Nothing’s been as hard as that.

Agent’s helping me out because I’m getting caught in a couple of stories that make me feel especially insecure and sad. She came up with a mantra I can use to center and ground myself.

Even though this is hard, I’m afraid that at some point I’ll wake up and realize I’ve fallen right back into my old habits and I’ll have to go through this period of withdrawal again. I have the same fear about smoking but losing consciousness seems so much more subtle. And sneaky.

I’ve replaced a lot of my dependency on other thought numbing activities with looking at my phone. This is entirely embarassing to admit, but I am constantly looking at my phone in an attempt to escape what’s going on right now. It’s very frustrating to know this and to keep doing it anyway. It’s as though I can’t help myself.

I’ve found through experiencing myself this way (cause it is a whole new experience) that I am okay when I’m moving, but staying present becomes especially difficult when I’m sitting or standing still. The act of waiting causes me all kinds of anguish and I can feel myself fighting against it, yelling “move, move, do something, this is boring”. It takes everything in me to convince myself that it’s okay to just sit there and relax and do nothing.

I sure do love denying myself certain things and then guaging my reactions. I am happy to announce that I am no longer vegetarian, which makes my life a million times easier, energized, and tastier. Later, after yoga, I hope to enjoy some steak tacos. It is Taco Tuesday afterall.

I realize this post is a shot in the dark, but I also plan to run around all the forums I can find on the Internets and see if they can help me too.

My bonsai’s leaves started turning yellow 6 or so weeks ago, pretty much out of the blue. She’s been in the same window, receiving pretty much the same amount of water for the last 18 months. Her pot has two big holes in the bottom, so she’s never sitting in water. I definitely watered her less over the winter (3-4 times per week) as opposed to the last few months when she’s been watered every other day.

I was getting worried and so I ran some plant food through with her watering about three weeks ago. I thought maybe she was just hungry. Her leaves have gotten progressively yellow and feeding didn’t seem to help.

There’s no heater blowing on her and as far as I can tell, her environment hasn’t changed. I don’t see any signs of infestation under the leaves or in the moss, although the yellowing leaves have brown spots that seem to get darker and more pronounced as the leaf becomes more yellow (this could just be part of the yellowing process?).

We took her out of her pot yesterday and I gave her fresh potting soil. She’s sitting on the front porch now, although I’m a little worried it’s going to get a bit warm for her over the next week or so.

Do you have any ideas? Are there any bonsai doctors out there? I am so worried and sad and I just don’t know what else to do. Thank you so much if you are able to help. Can you tell me what kind of tree she is?