Honey

You are cordially invited to join myself and the rest of my Rock and Roll Band, Gays Gone By, at Chaos Cafe tomorrow (Saturday) night around 10:00 for an art benefit show. All proceeds go to art supplies.

We have Agent on the Drums

Aleiha Way-man is on Guitar

And me myself on the Keyboards

When I was younger, and just coming out as gay, somebody told me that my life would be harder than most, that I would face more challenges than the average person. I wondered then at the things that might happen to me and the problems I was sure to encounter in the course of my life, just because of my sexuality (let alone my gender!). I imagined closed-minded employers and social rejection and fear of physical or emotional violence toward me because of how I expressed myself.

It’s true that I have faced some of those things and that they have been hard to deal with at times. Usually I can look into someone’s eyes for just a moment to know how afraid they are of me and whether a situation is unsafe or inconducive to my self expression. I’ve had my share of rejection, too, but have realized that it’s not me that people are rejecting, of course, because if they knew me, they would surely know that we are the same. I am nothing to be afraid of.

The last few years I’ve been dealing with what may turn out to be the hardest part about being gay for me, and that would be the difficulty surrounding my desire to have a baby.

I want a baby, bad. I look at other peoples’ babies and my heart swells up to the size of a watermelon in my chest and my whole body aches. I think about it all the time. I am constantly thinking, I want a baby. And over and over again, I hit a wall of impossibility. How will this baby happen?

I feel jealous of man-woman couples who get to merge their bits together and create something that is made up of both of them. I am envious of the accidental conception. I want this to be easy and I want everything to feel connected and I want to create family.

One problem is that the images I have of family are skewed, especially about how to make a family happen. The picture I have in my head is very clear, albeit impossibly narrow, recognized and respected by society, the standard story. I have to open my mind to new and creative options, something outrageously wonderful that will change my life forever. It’s hard to find those other stories, the ones that aren’t like everyone else’s.

Agent and I have a friend who thought he might help us out for a little while, but then realized that it wasn’t something he could do. We’ve looked at sperm banks and adoption agencies and considered getting ourselves into loads of debt and then decided this was not a wise way to go, no matter how much we want it.

Ever since our friend said no, I’ve been grieving a huge dream in me that doesn’t seem to be able to come true. I am still waiting, though. I can’t help it. I keep thinking that something incredible will happen, something I could never have imagined, and suddenly I will be given the opportunity to have what I’ve always wanted, and it will be wonderful. I am forcing myself to be open, to look behind every door, to wonder about anything I’ve never considered. What does the creation of a family look like? How do I re-envision the possibilities and then manifest them in my reality?

Via gravity’s rainbow

It’s time for another Dirty Queer Open Mic, taking place this Friday, January 9, at 6:30pm at In Other Words Bookstore (8 N.E. Killingsworth St.). It’s a big show this month, seeing as how it’s been two years since the very first Dirty Queer Open Mic ever. There will be door prizes and food provided by local businesses.

The last few months have been packed, so I’d suggest you arrive early. Here’s the full announcement from our very gracious host, Sossity:

can you believe we’ve been on this joyously crazy ride for 2 years
now? i sure can … dirty queer is a capital “R” relationship for me
and i’m in it for the long haul. which is different than the u-haul,
just fyi. ::grin::

i am so grateful and glad to be having this adventure with you all,
in this wonderfully weird city, and i hope you’ll all join me for
twice the dirty, twice the dork! kelli dunham will be here to co-emcee
w/ me for the first time since our very first dirty queer (as well as
perform a show the next night, info below). were it not for her
encouragement, participation and support, i don’t know that i’d have
been able to convince myself i could produce and emcee an event (being
as i’d done neither, before), so even though she had to leave after
the first month, she was vital in this adventure. i’m so very happy
to share the stage w/ her again!

we’ll also have food and drinks from local businesses like new
seasons, pix patisserie, cupcake jones, and haven coffee! i do still
hope to add organic produce and tea to those offerings, but am waiting
to hear from a few more potential donors.

as usual, we’ll be audio taping, and we’ll also have our official
photographer on hand to archive the evening. if you’d rather not be
audio taped and/or photographed, simply mark that next to your name on
the sign up sheet.

this month:

>> door prizes from mama mia trattoria and optic nerve tattoo and
piercing!

opticnervearts.com
mamamiatrattoria.com

>> a special anniversary door prize - a gift basket from long time
supporter size queen clothing!

sizequeenclothing.com

>> sex q&a about dossie easton

>> it’s possible we’ll be ASL interpreted again, but word is still
out on that one. should that come about, i’ll send out a follow up
email immediately.

coming soon:

>> the dirty burly bitch show
>> the rescheduled date for VERB: a dance party ACTION to save in
other words

we’re sure to hit capacity (we had 114 of you gorgeous
queers in november and 99 in december), so be sure to come early
whether exhibitionist or voyeur! bringing your own folding chair is
not a bad idea, either. as always: sign up starts at 6pm and is first
come, first serve.

and don’t forget to mark january 23 on your calendars as well. we’ll
be doing a special fundraising event for bitch magazine, combining the
dirty queer format with interludes of professional burlesque by local
beauties, like my lovely co-host, sahara dunes! same time, same
place. (bitchmagazine.com, saharadunes.net)

as always, the money from the door at dirty queer goes directly to
support in other words - the nation’s last surviving non-profit
feminist bookstore in the united states. show your support for this
vital resource however you can, and get involved! (inotherwords.org)

if you’d like more of kelli while she’s in town - and how often do
you get to see an ex-nun, skateboarding, gender queer comic? - check
out the show info below.

hope to see you all there!

sossity

“Almost Pretty - Kelli’s One Hour Stand Up Show @ Haven Coffee.

Date & Time: Saturday January 10 at 7 PM.

Synopsis: Come see my one hour stand up show, the only such show in
Portland this year…with all new material and special dramatic
reading of “White Gloves and Party Manners.”

Location: Haven Coffee 3551 SE Division St Portland, OR 97202.

More info: This is a RECESSION SPECIAL Comedy Show. Meaning admission
is sliding scale (5 to 10 bucks). As a special bonus, attendees can
also buy either a copy of my first CD “I am NOT a 12 Year Old Boy” or
my “Almost Pretty” (tne new release) for just five dollars. ”

There was a time, sometime between June and October, when I was full of a feeling I’d never felt before. I had this idea that everything was going to be okay, because America wasn’t really that bad, and Americans were smarter and more compassionate than I thought they were. For the first time, I was excited about the future and especially the political future of this great country.

It was a longer fall than I thought, the distance between that hope and this disappointment. I felt a shimmer of an ache during the debates when it was made perfectly clear that the incoming administration stood against equality for gay people in the form of the right to be married. I ignored it as best I could, convincing myself that everything else about Obama would make up for this little err, this one thing that was a disagreement of opinion.

And then it was Tuesday night (finally) and all the good stuff I was feeling flew right out the window when the results of California’s proposition H8 were made official. I felt stabbed in the gut, taken for a ride, I was mad, real mad, and I just keep getting angrier and angrier and I don’t really know what to do with all these feelings.

I’m mad because I don’t get to be all happy rainbows about Obama while everyone else does. I’m mad because it wasn’t enough for Obama to deny us equal rights, he had to go ahead and rub it in. I expect so much more from a leader of a nation that feels all high and mighty about how equal and free we are. It’s not fair, and I’m pissed.

Yeah, Obama might take care of some gay business, at least enough to make us feel satisfied. Well, I won’t be satisfied when ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ is repealed. When legislation is passed to protect gay people against all the hate and violence that we see every single day, I won’t stand up and say, “Oh thank you, Mr. President, you’re so wonderful for recognizing us as vulnerable people.” I’ll say “It’s about damn time!” It’s not good enough to be all awesome in so many ways and to turn around and discriminate against human beings and in so doing directly (or indirectly) cause them harm.

Yeah yeah, Bush was awful, Obama is better. In a lot of ways I do feel good about the future. There’s just this pit in my stomach that grows bigger with every new slam to the gays, and it seems to be a little much lately, doesn’t it? Maybe it’s a sign that we’re getting stronger and making ground when we feel so much resistance all around us.

I don’t know about you, but I’m tired of being second class. I’m a person, an actual human being with feelings. I deserve to be free and equal, just like everyone else.