Honey

My thoughts are a jumble, a million droplets of useless activity swirling around in my head. It’s been this way ever since I stopped listening to the radio, or reading, or listening to music. I’m trying to just be with myself and I swear it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done, besides quitting cigarettes and drinking. Nothing’s been as hard as that.

Agent’s helping me out because I’m getting caught in a couple of stories that make me feel especially insecure and sad. She came up with a mantra I can use to center and ground myself.

Even though this is hard, I’m afraid that at some point I’ll wake up and realize I’ve fallen right back into my old habits and I’ll have to go through this period of withdrawal again. I have the same fear about smoking but losing consciousness seems so much more subtle. And sneaky.

I’ve replaced a lot of my dependency on other thought numbing activities with looking at my phone. This is entirely embarassing to admit, but I am constantly looking at my phone in an attempt to escape what’s going on right now. It’s very frustrating to know this and to keep doing it anyway. It’s as though I can’t help myself.

I’ve found through experiencing myself this way (cause it is a whole new experience) that I am okay when I’m moving, but staying present becomes especially difficult when I’m sitting or standing still. The act of waiting causes me all kinds of anguish and I can feel myself fighting against it, yelling “move, move, do something, this is boring”. It takes everything in me to convince myself that it’s okay to just sit there and relax and do nothing.

I sure do love denying myself certain things and then guaging my reactions. I am happy to announce that I am no longer vegetarian, which makes my life a million times easier, energized, and tastier. Later, after yoga, I hope to enjoy some steak tacos. It is Taco Tuesday afterall.

I realize this post is a shot in the dark, but I also plan to run around all the forums I can find on the Internets and see if they can help me too.

My bonsai’s leaves started turning yellow 6 or so weeks ago, pretty much out of the blue. She’s been in the same window, receiving pretty much the same amount of water for the last 18 months. Her pot has two big holes in the bottom, so she’s never sitting in water. I definitely watered her less over the winter (3-4 times per week) as opposed to the last few months when she’s been watered every other day.

I was getting worried and so I ran some plant food through with her watering about three weeks ago. I thought maybe she was just hungry. Her leaves have gotten progressively yellow and feeding didn’t seem to help.

There’s no heater blowing on her and as far as I can tell, her environment hasn’t changed. I don’t see any signs of infestation under the leaves or in the moss, although the yellowing leaves have brown spots that seem to get darker and more pronounced as the leaf becomes more yellow (this could just be part of the yellowing process?).

We took her out of her pot yesterday and I gave her fresh potting soil. She’s sitting on the front porch now, although I’m a little worried it’s going to get a bit warm for her over the next week or so.

Do you have any ideas? Are there any bonsai doctors out there? I am so worried and sad and I just don’t know what else to do. Thank you so much if you are able to help. Can you tell me what kind of tree she is?

I’ve been at AT&T for about as long as I spent at the car dealership when I bought my truck. It feels like about two years. We’re getting two new phones, one for Agent and one for our roommie. We were looking for something simple, with easy texting, since that’s what matters, mostly. It took leaving and getting dinner and then coming back again for us to find what we were looking for.

It probably also threw us off that the phone that ended up being perfect was free with a contract. I found it hard to pay attention to the cheaper phones because something deep inside of me really believes that they are of poorer quality. The funny thing is that all these phones are pieces.

I love my phone. Two hours amongst all these other cheap devices makes me realize that my iPhone is the best and that’s all there is to it.

Agent and Aleiha both got the Pantech Slate. One button to the text message input screen and a whopping 1.3 megapixel camera. Look out.

You are cordially invited to join myself and the rest of my Rock and Roll Band, Gays Gone By, at Chaos Cafe tomorrow (Saturday) night around 10:00 for an art benefit show. All proceeds go to art supplies.

We have Agent on the Drums

Aleiha Way-man is on Guitar

And me myself on the Keyboards

When I was younger, and just coming out as gay, somebody told me that my life would be harder than most, that I would face more challenges than the average person. I wondered then at the things that might happen to me and the problems I was sure to encounter in the course of my life, just because of my sexuality (let alone my gender!). I imagined closed-minded employers and social rejection and fear of physical or emotional violence toward me because of how I expressed myself.

It’s true that I have faced some of those things and that they have been hard to deal with at times. Usually I can look into someone’s eyes for just a moment to know how afraid they are of me and whether a situation is unsafe or inconducive to my self expression. I’ve had my share of rejection, too, but have realized that it’s not me that people are rejecting, of course, because if they knew me, they would surely know that we are the same. I am nothing to be afraid of.

The last few years I’ve been dealing with what may turn out to be the hardest part about being gay for me, and that would be the difficulty surrounding my desire to have a baby.

I want a baby, bad. I look at other peoples’ babies and my heart swells up to the size of a watermelon in my chest and my whole body aches. I think about it all the time. I am constantly thinking, I want a baby. And over and over again, I hit a wall of impossibility. How will this baby happen?

I feel jealous of man-woman couples who get to merge their bits together and create something that is made up of both of them. I am envious of the accidental conception. I want this to be easy and I want everything to feel connected and I want to create family.

One problem is that the images I have of family are skewed, especially about how to make a family happen. The picture I have in my head is very clear, albeit impossibly narrow, recognized and respected by society, the standard story. I have to open my mind to new and creative options, something outrageously wonderful that will change my life forever. It’s hard to find those other stories, the ones that aren’t like everyone else’s.

Agent and I have a friend who thought he might help us out for a little while, but then realized that it wasn’t something he could do. We’ve looked at sperm banks and adoption agencies and considered getting ourselves into loads of debt and then decided this was not a wise way to go, no matter how much we want it.

Ever since our friend said no, I’ve been grieving a huge dream in me that doesn’t seem to be able to come true. I am still waiting, though. I can’t help it. I keep thinking that something incredible will happen, something I could never have imagined, and suddenly I will be given the opportunity to have what I’ve always wanted, and it will be wonderful. I am forcing myself to be open, to look behind every door, to wonder about anything I’ve never considered. What does the creation of a family look like? How do I re-envision the possibilities and then manifest them in my reality?